Thursday, March 28, 2013

Hijacking the WiFi

Okay, welcome to Spring Break.
Not quite what I expected.
At all.
Maybe next year I'll go on a road trip or something. Maybe serious "me time" would be a good thing.
Being here is kinda weird. I'm with family but it's the extended. I'm the only one representing my immediate family here and everyone else came in force.
I'm really homesick.
It may finally be sinking in that I'm at college--not just at summer camp. There's a lot to figure out and I can't walk into the kitchen, sit on the counter and talk to my mom about it anymore. I have to wait until the perfect time in our 9 hour time difference to call and hope that she's not busy.
This is a lot to figure out.
To all of you who are gonna be a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on or any thing else for me until I feel like I'm actually standing on my own two feet, thank you so much.

Bigger and Sunnier Things

Well, time for waiting the airport. Annoyingly enough, my flight got delayed by about two hours. Luckily, my brother didn't run away immediately so we got to hang out for a while. Then I got to meet up with a different friend of mine past security for a bit before he had to get on his flight.
But boarding is happening now so this is good.
See you guys in a week :)
I'll be hanging out with California.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Dear Friends

As I do, I was wondering around on Google Images this evening because my chair is too comfy for me to convince myself to get up and get ready for bed. Now, while I agree that most of the pictures hanging out in Google Images are a little silly, a lot of them make me smile (sometimes because of their silliness). Then, every once in a while, I run across a gem of a saying. It's like listening to a song and thinking, "That lyric describes my life perfectly right now."
So I thought I'd share this bit of Google Image wisdom with all of my friends.

Because, quite honestly, that's how I feel. I know that I can be a lot to handle and that sometimes I hold on to things that I should've let go of a long long time ago.
And all I need is for people to still be my friend tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I'm So Confused

People always say things like "Be yourself because that's what matters."
Not that I don't agree with that but what happens when you don't know who you are? Life is too expensive to go on a big soul searching venture--there are always things that have to be done.
I'd love to be myself.
But I don't always feel like I know myself.
So how does that work?

Monday, March 18, 2013

Tonight, Tonight

Today did not at all go the way that I was expecting but, now that I'm about to shut down my computer and go to bed, I'm really okay with that.
Yes, tomorrow, I have to write the scholarship app that I neglected to do today. But I know basically what I want to say so now it's just a matter of actually writing it down. Yes, I'm probably gonna be pretty tired tomorrow.
But today ended up working out really well.
With this one person, we talked a fair bit about what we meant and I think things are figured out. There's still a bit of work to be done but time is something that we have. I hope and believe that things will work out.
With this other person, you've told me that I need to stand up for myself for a while now. And today I feel like I did that to one of the most significant people I could've done it to.
With this other other person, that was a really nice conversation. It was long. But good. I really hope you feel better. Please know that I'm around anytime you want to talk.
With this other x3 person, I'm realizing how much we really are friends. You really care and I really care; and most of my 'issues' with you are quite petty. Granted, being honest with you more often will help with relationship work better but I feel invested now. At least, more invested than I did a week ago.
With this other x4 person, it was midnight and then it was two. I'm sorry, but that conversation was completely awesome. Seriously, we need to hang out in the afternoon because we'll have more time to have epic conversations like that one. 
Besides that scholarships essay, tomorrow I want to buy a journal. If I find one I like, I'll tell you guys what I want it for with an accompanying picture. For now, you may ponder why I want one. Or you may get on with your life. Your choice. I hope your life is well, by the way.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

The Future In My Arms

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
If you were to go up to any college student and ask them how they plan to spend their life,would you be surprised if a career wasn't among their list of things to do?
Now, I'm not saying that I don't want to be able to sustain myself financially. And, yes, I understand that there are careers that won't land me in a cubicle.
But the things I want to do in life (write, travel, be happy) don't exactly involve a 'career'--at least not in the most general sense of the term. I would consider writing a career but it's different. I don't feel like it would tie me down, really. Apparently, I view careers as confining.
The point is that I don't know what's gonna happen but I don't want to be stuck because of my job.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

After This, I Promise I'll Write My Paper

It's about that time...dead week. And, yes, I'm procrastinating.
Well, only a little bit. See, two of my three finals are take-home finals and I only have the prompt for one of them. Both are due on Monday and then my only final after that is three days later. I get my English prompt tomorrow so I'm planning to accomplish that tomorrow or on Friday. I'm hoping that I'll be able to concentrate enough today to finish at least most of my history essay. Five pages, even though it's double spaced, is a lot of writing. At least, for a topic that I'm not passionate about.
I'm a little bummed because these two essays plus one scholarship one means that I can't have plans this weekend; and I have awesome plans for this weekend. A friend of mine's favorite band is playing live and a bunch of us were gonna go; but I had to beg out. Too much to do.

A couple of things have been on my mind recently; thought I'd share them with you guys.
  • Why do (some) people have such a hard time being honest? (Personally, it's fear)
  • What is it that causes people to care about each other? (I have no idea)
  • What is the balance between wanting and needing? (The obvious answer seems to be that you will either turn into a shell of a person and/or actually cease to exist if the object/person in question is one that you need; but I haven't pondered upon this one as much so maybe I'll change my mind)
  • When is restraint the best thing to practice? (Almost always)
On a completely unrelated note to everything that is aforementioned, I'm really excited. I finally (finally) have yarn to start this blanket for a friend of mine whose daughter is due to enter the world in June. I should do before and after pictures of it...beware, pictures of yarn are bound to show up here within a couple of days.
I don't think I've mentioned this here yet but I've desired a pair of Batman boxers for a long while now. A friend of mine and I went shopping yesterday and I found one!! Then she saw Spiderman boxers and so now we have a plan to wear them dancing tonight. It should be a really fun night. I just need to force myself to leave on time so that I can get a full night of sleep.
I'll save telling you guys about my Spring Break plans for a little while now, just so I have something to tell you about later.
All right, time to stop procrastinating. To the homework I go.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Out of Body Day

I don't even know what happened but, all of a sudden, I feel completely outside myself. Like, I know I'm here and I know what I'm doing...but I just don't feel like I'm here. I feel mostly hollow but what's left inside me is just short of terrified. And I have absolutely no idea why. It reminds me of how I was feeling my first couple days at college--completely nervous and worried about everything, barely able to eat and sleep. (I had a hard first week at school). But I don't know why I'm feeling like this now.
Today's gonna be weird, isn't it?

Friday, March 8, 2013

What About...?

I love those random conversations that people overhear and you have to hold your breath for a moment because you don't know how they're gonna react to the subject matter. Lucky for me and my friend, the person who overheard our conversation is one cool cat; he joined in on the conversation and we became even more friends:) "Oh, goody." 
Also, live music is absolutely amazing. One of our blues leads is also a wonderful guitar player/singer so he performs live for us every once in a while. Last night was one was "once." Super fun but, also, I need to make sure that I do all of my homework before I go to Thursday dancing. One of my friends laughed at me because I'd paid $10 to sit and listen to music while doing homework instead of dance. Let it be known that I stopped doing homework within five minutes of that comment. Let it also be known that I'm practically the queen of awkward comments; okay, not really. But I'm probably among the nobility of awkward encounters.  Yeah, last night got weird a couple of times.
Bonus about last night, the concerns that I was having yesterday are now postponed for next Wednesday; the wrong mix of people were there for that drama to occur (so maybe I should say that the right mix of people were there). Fingers crossed, though, that I'm being worried for no reason. 
As far as this weekend goes, it will be filled with homework and maybe scholarship apps--if I can convince myself to actually do all of that. Here's hoping. 

Happy International Women's Day.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

$10 Buy-In

Last night was just interesting.
"Interesting" is actually the most annoying word ever. It's used too much to convey that much actual meaning. But it's also the only word that can describe so many situations so aptly. I hate it, I love it. It sounds like my relationship with cake.
The point is...have you ever known that someone has been through something because you know the look from staring in the mirror? If yes, do you tend to stay away from those people? Or do you gravitate toward them? Personally, I gravitate; given the experience we've all had, that may not be the best thing. But it's not something we can talk to outsiders about as easily; no offense, but people who haven't been there...mostly, I just don't want to force them to think about it. Usually, if a person has shared this experience, the questions are "why?" and "how?" If a person doesn't have the experience, it's "what were you thinking?" Granted, that's an understandable response as well; I just take a lot of comfort in finding the kindred spirits.
And I found one last night. Actually, we met last week when they came with another one of the blues dancers. But we talked last night. It was really nice to talk about it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one who wants to acknowledge it or is comfortable talking about it so it actually relieved a bit of stress--talking about it.
Sadly, the two of us getting to know each other probably displeases at least one person at blues. And I might be dealing with that displeasure tonight--ten dollar buy-in to the fight. Or to "Battle of the Bands." Or maybe both.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Baring My Soul, Trying to Figure This Out

Here's what I believe about myself...I'm an 18 year old girl who is working hard to figure out life. I make no claims to perfection; I have made mistakes and I have scars. But the choices I have made have been an attempt to be happy. Maybe some people would call that a self motivation but I dream of being happy so of course I make the decisions to put me on the path that I think has the greatest chance of producing the most happiness. I understand that every single road that I walk will have pricker bushes to push through, mountains to climb, and rivers to cross. I know that if I close my eyes, I'll fall into a hole or stray off the path. But I also know that keeping my eyes open will not only save me from dangers but also show me the beauty that each path has to provide. I know that I have to survive through the pain in order to fully appreciate the happiness.
I believe that I care and am loyal. I know that I have to work on being honest and up front as I try to fully comprehend that I truly cannot please everyone (and that that's okay). I have a feeling that I will so something noteworthy with my life-whether that's Nobel Prize noteworthy or just being accepted as part of a wonderful family noteworthy. I think that there's a part of me that I can't see in the mirror but that people see when they look at me--it's something that inexplicably draws those that see it to me and I always want to be friends with those people.
To you, thanks for talking to me that one night. By most standards, we still don't know each other very well but I would really like to change that. I still think about that conversation and how you were so right. And I'm really impressed that are you who you are.
To you, I'm sorry for saying too much. I didn't have things figured out (actually, I still don't have things totally sorted) and I think everything might've worked out better if I'd learned to keep my mouth shut at the right times.
To you, I'm sorry for not saying enough; I'm still learning about speaking up at the right times. And I'm just sorry. I hope life is nice to you in the future.
To you, thank you for being my friend. Your cookies are wonderful Band-aids for the soul. Thanks for letting me talk to you and helping me to believe that I'm doing okay.
To you, I don't even know if words can say what I'd like to. You are one of my oldest friends and one of the most important people in my life. Please, don't ever leave.
To you, you're probably my loudest voice of reason. You always sound right, even if I don't always listen to you. Thanks for loving me as I bumble through and make all of these mistakes.
To you, Po. And all the other ones.
To you, I'm really glad to have met you. I hope we both have more time to hang out in the near future because you're wonderful.
To you, oh how I miss the times of childish delight we would have, creating houses and playing video games. We don't talk as much as I'd like but I promise to work on changing that as soon as I get my computer back.
To you, thanks for letting me be at your house all the time. It's a nice escape and I always have a good time. You're wonderful to talk to and have a nice habit of putting my head straight.
To you, I miss you. You're really far away right now and I'd love to go shopping with you. First thing when you're closer, kay?
To you, I hope you're happy. I know that things are stressful right now, and I know I don't know everything. But I do hope it all works out. Vroom, vroom.
To you, I owe everything to you. And I hope you'll continue to accept me, no matter what choices I make.

Day 30...Whoa, I Did It

Your highs and lows of this month

Well, it's a great high to have actually achieved this, my first blog challenge. Other highs were seeing both of my brothers and Valentine's Day. Oh, and there's always dancing. As far as lows go, I've fallen into a couple wells of self-doubt this month so that sucked. Well, let's be honest, it still sucks because I'm still trying to keep my head above water in one of them. But, with the help of a few friends, I should be able to get out of it and get back to being me, the me I like to be.

I'm doing another blog challenge for the month of April. I'll try to keep updating often until then but, until then, I make no promises about every day.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Day 29...Things to Achieve

Goals for the next 30 days

Mainly, my goal for the next 30 days is to finish out this quarter with relatively good standing. Luckily, two of my finals are take-home so I should be able to do really well on those. Besides that, I really hope it works out to get down to see my grandparents for Spring Break. I really want to do that. After that, I just want to stay on top of classes as the new quarter starts. I'm doing the A to Z challenge for April so lots more blogging will be happening then.
Besides that, I'm currently trying to talk myself out of getting another tattoo, like, this week. So we'll see how that goes.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Day 28...Home Sweet Home

Something that you miss

Honestly, I miss home. But home the feeling, not necessarily home the place (though, the two usually coincide.) I just miss that feeling of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I'm at college and things are going pretty well--but I still don't know what I want to do with life and I feel like I'm still trying to settle in. I'm used to life here but, at the moment, I'm not sure if I feel like I belong here. I really like the people I've become friends with, the job I have, and all the dance time I'm getting. I'm getting through classes and trying to piece together a couple either pieces of life's puzzle. I am utterly thankful of the support I get from my amazing friends and promise that I'll do my best to not hurt or disappoint you guys.
I just miss the feeling of home, the safety and security of it.

Words of Strength For Today

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Day 27...Where'd Freud When You Need Him?

A problem that you've had

Most of the problems come from my head. They swirl around like a cloud--these doubts--waiting to find the perfect little rift to transform into a chasm. Some part of me thinks that I thought my life was too plain so my brain decided to spice it up by throwing these illogical problems into it. If I think about it, I know they're not true. But I cannot push them away. This is wrong and that's broken and I'm doubting about the other thing.
Right now, I feel like I'm screwing up all but one thing. But maybe that one thing is in danger because of the feeling of screw up that's everywhere else.
The clouds are circling and the storm might be setting in.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Day 26...My Mr. Darcy?

What kind of person attracts you

Oh goody. Every girl's favorite topic: boys. (Just kidding, that's a huge stereotypical generalization.) But, anyways, let's talk boys.
Looking back, it seems like my physical type is tall and Hispanic. But I am definitely a girl who looks more at personality than physical attributes. Personality-wise, I tend to like people who are pretty easy going, smart, funny, and cuddly. (Okay, so maybe cuddly isn't a personality thing but I don't know what else to call it.) Mostly, I like people who are nice and people who give me the room and liberty to be myself. I always find it endearing when people have quirks too; I love finding those quirks. :)

Friday, March 1, 2013

Day 25...People

Someone who fascinates you and why 

Hmmm...I don't actually know. Oh, wait. People who think that the world still revolves around them after 18+ years of being on the planet. I don't understand how those people exist without realizing that there is do much more going on in the world. They fascinate me but...not in a good way.