A time you thought about ending your life. {Your worst moment}
First thing's first: the two phrases in italics do not refer to the same moment in my life. And I suppose that means that I get to share with you about both of them.
A time I thought about ending my life...honestly (and I'm truly sad to say this) but moments like that come around relatively often. I'll be frustrated with a class, or the way I rarely get asked to dance at socials, or worried about what I'm going to do with my life and--sometimes--ending it all now seems like an inviting option. Yes, most of the time it's a fleeting thought when I am wallowing at the bottom of the pit that is my unhappy feelings. I do try not to wallow; I promise. But sometimes--just sometimes--it becomes an actual notion, an actual curiosity. When life gets hard and when I can't figure out what I'm gonna do with it, ending it all sometimes decides to declared itself as an option. Go out while things are still good...I know it's messed up. I know it's wrong. But, yeah, sometimes that sounds almost inviting.
The worst moment in my life... I'm betting that those of you who know me are expecting me to say, "Junior year, when I decided to try cutting." I'm not saying that I'm proud of that but I also don't consider it my worst moment. Every decision we make marks us, right? I just possess the option to show some of my scars; I do not see that as something to be ashamed of. Actually, I really wonder what people think when they see my scars. I always used to assume that people would be repulsed because, after all, cutting isn't exactly a socially acceptable means of coping. Very few people ask me about it, and those that do tend to fall into two categories: they know someone who has cut or they've experienced the feeling of a blade pulling their skin apart. Usually, the ones who are bold about it are the latter. Since people see what they want to see, the majority of people don't see the scars left by self inflicted harm. But if you've been there--if you've been driven to that point--I think it makes you more willing to see those scars; it's not a comfort but it's nice--if you will--to know that you're not the only one. We're own our little community, I guess. Granted, as nice as it is to be a community, it's also terrifying that there's enough of us.
So the worst moment in my life? I don't think it's happened yet. Yes, I've had some hard times. There was adjusting to living in a new country. There was being bullied all of 8th grade year. There was having my best friend move away every year of my high school career. There was the death of the boy who should survived (rest in peace, Michael; I miss you). There have been difficult times among my family. There have been all those little moments when everything became a heaping pile of way more than I could deal with. There have been fights, and break ups, and confrontations, and inconsiderate people, and genuinely terrible days. But I've gotten through all of that. I've moved on. I feel like the worst moment in my life will be something that comes to mind at a second's thought. The time that's come the closest was last June, probably, when an extremely close friend decided to lay into me. It's never fun when the people you trust start pointing out your flaws; validated or not, they always seem right to me.
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